by Aeron de la Cruz (UPCM Class 2014)
This article was originally published in Thought Catalog, and is now published with the author’s permission.
We’ve probably never met yet, but I have been searching for you ever since I realized I needed someone like you. Will you come? Or have you already passed by? Forgive me but please let me say this. I love you now. I’ve loved you for quite some time and after all I’ve been through, I love you still.
I’ve never looked at outer beauty so that when our paths crossed, I wouldn’t miss the beauty of your soul. So that when somehow my gaze moves towards yours, I would fall in love with who you are – your dreams, fears, quirks, rants, kindness, intelligence, heart.
Even if opportunities presented themselves – those who would seem to be you – I dared not, because I value you. I value us. I wouldn’t let what we could be, be taken by someone else. I waited until graduation before I looked for you because I wanted to show you that I desire to build a life with you – not with haphazard promises but with something concrete.
Aside from accepting the call of the Lord for me to become a doctor, I did what I could to make sure that I could take care of you when you are sick. I wanted to take care of the people you loved. I saved money so that we could live a comfortable life. I found my passion, took hold of it and pursued it.
I don’t want you to see me living a life without purpose. I want us to reach the purpose of our lives together. I hope you have already found yours too. I got the hang of writing songs so that one day I could sing them to you and show you how much I have thought about you. I learned to dance so that if you were pretty good, our first dance during our wedding wouldn’t be awkward. But even if I would look like a fool, that would be okay. I’d be the fool for you every single day.
I played every musical instrument I could get my hands on. Not a master, but a jack-of-all-trades kind of guy. Because I never knew the instrument you liked and love to listen to. So, well, I might as well try it all. And even if I lose my voice to singing and my body would grow weak of old age, I could always play you beautiful music that would transcend words.
I climbed one of the highest mountains and saw seas of clouds because one day, I would like to show it to you. I’ve been to many places. And every single time I stepped on different soil, I searched for things of wonder because someday, I would like to take you there.
My desire is to show you the beauty of the world in all its colors.
I learned how to cook so that I can make you the best breakfast whenever you’re sick or too tired. I tried to acquire the skill of doing a decent massage so that I could give it to you whenever your body ached.
I went on many adventures in my life. I want to make sure that you wouldn’t be bored with me. I’d like to tell you my stories until we’d fall asleep.
And that at the end of it all, despite my yearning for adventure, I’d give it all up because you would be my next adventure – one that I would never cease to pursue.
I’m studying to draw, so that one day, I would be able to draw your wonderful face. Most importantly, I learned how to love from the source. Trust me it was a hard journey learning to love like Jesus. I didn’t want to meet you until I knew I was ready and understood completely what the love of Jesus meant. Guess what I’ve learned? I could never be perfect for you even if I tried with all my might – because I’ve finally understood my imperfection. I recognize how much I need the grace of Jesus, even more so when I finally meet you.
But I could love you with the best understanding of the Lord’s love.
I now know how much we would desperately need Him to keep things together. My hope is that the masterpiece that is us would be crafted beautifully by our creator.
I don’t know who you are yet. Or maybe I do. But know that I’ve done these things because I love you – because I want you to notice me. But probably when you see me, you would see my imperfection. No, I’d like you to see my imperfection. I ‘d like you to see how broken I am. But I also hope that you would look twice.
I hope you see the God that I serve who is perfect. Then maybe, just maybe, we can happen. By then, I hope that you would be able to love me the way I would love you. That is to love as the Lord loves – in spite of ourselves. I know this world nowadays has a lot of temptation and disappointments. But my hope is that by the grace of God, you wouldn’t get lost in uncertainty and pain.
But if pain is the ocean you are swimming in, call out the name of the Lord. And if by His will I am there, be assured that I’ll dive in. But if for some reason, you’ve already made a mistake, remember that the love of the Lord is perfect. And if it is His will that I would love you, you have nothing to worry about.
I dream of us. I dream of doing the simple things with you. I dream of your good mornings and good nights. I dream of smelling the fragrance of your hair. I dream of nights laying beside you and just talking until we fall asleep. I dream of long walks. I dream of driving you to work. I dream of camping and looking at the stars with you. I dream of the breakfasts that I would cook for you. I dream of celebrating the Christmas and New Year with you. If music was your thing, I dream of making wonderful music with you. If dancing was your thing, I dream of dancing the night away with you – even if there was no music, beneath a canopy of stars. If singing was your thing, I dream of singing songs with you.
I dream of hearing your stories everyday I dream of comforting you when you cry. I dream of making you laugh with my corny jokes. I dream of staring at your smile. I dream of you being annoyed with my quirks and yet you choosing to love me still. I dream of watching movies with you all snugged up in a blanket. I dream of seeing the Aurora Borealis in an igloo with you. I dream of having cups of coffee with you. I dream of telling the people about Jesus with you. I dream of being captivated by your passion for what you do.
I dream of just looking at your eyes and knowing what you mean. I dream of looking at your face with only the twilight reflecting its beauty. I dream of introducing you to everyone else who have been earnestly waiting with me for you to come into my life. I dream of having the joy knowing that someone is waiting for me to come home. I dream of having someone who chooses to stay with me even if she does not need me. I dream of holding your hand tight in the moments of joy and in the seasons of pain.
I dream of marrying you. I dream of a life with you. I dream of loving you with all I have. I dream of growing old with you. And if you finally read this, know that I am real.
This is not just some silly literary thing. And I am constantly searching for you. I’ve been taking this long walk of my life alone.
Some walked with me along the way. To be honest I thought they were you but in the end they were just dropping by. I long to have you walk by my side. If you’ve been on the same road with me already, please come back soon. In my search for you, people have already taken parts of myself and have given me memories I wanted to share with you. I’m really sorry. I thought they were you. But even so, I would still make these dreams and memories with you.
I’m starting to grow tired and weary. I feel my spirit being taken away by the constant hurt of not finding you. I’m starting to lose my grip and lose hope. I’m starting to get used to walking alone. Although I know that I’m not alone, I feel alone – even if I don’t want to get used to it. I started noticing it when I have eaten too many meals alone. It comes back when I open up my phone and I have a hard time choosing someone to tell about how my day has been. I feel it when I want to watch a movie with someone and end up watching it myself. I feel it when I can’t even tell anyone about the bad things happening in my life and much worse not being able to tell anyone about the great and beautiful things.
I feel it when I can’t share my joy. I feel it time and time again when my daily routine becomes waking up, eating, going to work and then going back home. I’m starting to lose hope that someone would choose to stay with me. It’s also becoming hard for me to know what’s real. It’s becoming difficult for me to open myself to other people because I don’t want someone else to be my best friend. Not one of them should be my best friend. I want it to be you. But in restricting myself from opening up, I don’t want to make the mistake of not letting you in my life.
Where are you? I don’t know how much I could take walking on this road alone anymore. Please come sooner. And if by any chance it is you who finds me first and somehow I have grown hard, I pray that you would break me open. Please break me apart until you see the real me behind all my jokes and smiles. Do not give up on me.
Call me hopeless romantic, but truth be told, this is how I love you. And I don’t want to stop loving you.